Rosalie Joy

My blog is typically about my latest projects - furniture, home renovations.  I usually include a little bit about my personal life at the end - a cute photo of our twins, an update on my pregnancy.  But now my life has been so greatly altered - so impacted - that I can't just continue to write about furniture and overlook these past life events.


 

Most of you who read my blog know me personally and know all that happened.  For those who just know me through my blog, let me fill you in.  I had our third baby girl on November 5, 2015.  She was born via c-section at 1:05am.  She lived for 5 beautiful hours.  We had a little service for her, and she is buried on top of my Grandparents graves on the Grimsby mountain.  My story was recently published on a site for infant loss; you can read it here:  http://facesofloss.com/2016/01/8081.html#more-8081

These past 2 months have been an absolute flurry.  The weeks following her birth were filled with commotion - tons of people coming to visit, meals being dropped off, arrangements being delivered, arranging her funeral, and just trying to recover.  My body (physically) was pretty wrecked, and I am just now getting back on my feet.

My sister came and took pictures of her every detail - her ears, her feet, her nose, just so I could remember absolutely everything about her.  My midwife also called a photographer who came (very early in the morning) and took photos for us of Rose.

My little girls were so confused at first with what happened.  Their only encounter with death, really, has been the fish at Fortino's.  You know how they have tanks with fish swimming around, and then right on top there is a bed of ice with all the dead fish on it?  When I told them that baby Rose had died, Caroline said, "Like the fish at the grocery store Mom?"  Ah, yes lovey.  Like the fish at the grocery store.

Since then, they have role-played the funeral, over and over.  They 'bury' each other, singing songs and praying for each other.  "You just died, Hannah; you go in the ground".  They sing songs about Baby Rose.  The other day they asked me when baby Rose was going to come live with us, instead of with Jesus.

At the funeral, I got to hold my sweet baby girl through the whole service.

After the service, we went to the graveyard with just our immediate families.  Mark and his brother Steve lowered her little body into the ground.

On Christmas day, our families gathered together and spent some time lamenting her death.  We had a candle burning Christmas Eve and Christmas Day in her memory.  This is a photo of Bepe Rose lighting her candle with her great-grandchildren.

After the family gatherings, Mark and I took a drive to visit her grave.  The graveyard on Christmas Day is a very romantic place to be.  In front of so many graves, candles were lit.  It was a little reminder to us that we are not the only ones missing a loved one on Christmas day.  We took some time walking through the cemetery, reading the stones.

Now that time has passed, we feel totally lost.  This whole year has changed for us.  It was suppose to be filled with having a newborn - sleepless nights, changing diapers, showing her off at the Mom's group.  All that has changed.  I have no baby to pass around at family events.  My arms are empty.

This morning at church I played on our music team.  Throughout this whole experience God has been ever near us.  Today I requested that we play a song that was sung at her funeral:

Precious Lord take my hand
Lead me on, let me stand
I am tired, I am weak, I am worn
Through the storm, through the night
Lead me on to the light
Take my hand, Precious Lord, lead me home.

God has held us through this storm.  And as we wade through these murky times, he is leading us, to the light.  Our lives are forever changed because of Rosalie Joy.  We have changed, as people.  And we like the people we are becoming.  Completely broken, but stronger through Christ.

Christus Victor.  God's death has defeated the grave.  Oh, how he loves us!

(My view from my bed when I wake every morning).

Life is forever changed for us.  We have been going to trauma counseling, and my counselor has been helping me a lot with how to get back to 'normal' life after such an experience.  Her advice has changed my view of my business.  She said, if I get back to work, do it because I want to.  Not because I have to.  But because I enjoy it.  And because it's a good distraction.  Be careful that is stays a distraction and that you don't drown yourself in it.  Take time for yourself.  Surround yourself with friends and family.  Go out, go on a trip if you want.  This advice has been so helpful.  It has changed my perspective.  No longer am I dreading 'getting back to normal', but rather looking forward to it.  In fact, Mark took the girls out a few mornings this week and let me work on furniture.  The break from parenting them was just the thing I needed.  And I felt productive and useful again, which is important to me.  We agreed that we need to make more time for ourselves and for other people.  This new focus will help us get through this year.

God is so good.  We are so thankful for what we have - each other, our beautiful girls, loving friends and family.  God's love is strong.

In memory of Rosalie Joy Vanderherberg, November 5, 2015.

I'll love you forever

I'll like you for always

As long as I'm living

My baby you'll be.